I Know He’s Still In There

It’s getting harder around here for both of us. He doesn’t seem to be getting any relief yet and the doctor doesn’t want to try another medication until he has had his neuro-psych evaluation which is still a month away. It’s hard for me because I feel like I have completely lost my husband, he rarely communicates with me anymore. He tells me he doesn’t know what to talk to me about. That upsets and angers me because I don’t understand how you can be with someone for 9 years and not have anything to talk about. Our arguments have increased ten fold since the diagnosis. We are both are under a lot of stress right now. He is suffering and I am get ready to undergo surgery in four weeks. I am trying to focus on myself and try to help him at the same time. But I get angry when I try to help him because it doesn’t seem like he is trying to help himself any. The arguments happen and then I just drop it. Why fight with him, the arguments is one sided, he just listens and says nothing back. I also drop it because it isn’t helping the matter I’m sure. I’m trying to understand what he’s going through but I can’t. You can never understand what another person is going through. Something I say on my personal blog is never judge the path of another especially if you haven’t walked it. I don’t want to be upset with him. It’s just becoming too much for me right now. I feel like I have a roommate, I’m afraid he doesn’t love me anymore. He says he does but never shows it. I just get upset and angry because I feel like I have lost my husband and that I may not ever get him back. I’m hoping that we can find him the right help and that maybe the person I feel in love with will come back, but for now I must try to love the person in front of me even if he appears to be different because deep down inside I know that my husband is still in there. ~The Ninja’s Wife